I have been a perfectionist my whole life. A lazy one. I try to cut corners here and there and make things easier but I've always tried to be perfect - or at least appear that way. In high school I always tried to have perfect grades, be the perfect athlete, have perfect clothes, etc. Later I tried to be the perfect teacher, perfect wife, and now perfect mother. I've tried to be the most perfect cook, have a perfectly tidy house, be perfect in my calling, try to have perfect hair and clothes, etc. and you know what? I'm realizing that it's all a little too much for me. I put so much pressure on myself and hold so high of expectations for myself that often times all I feel is that I'm ending each day feeling like I'm constantly falling short.
I haven't been enough fun for Brooklyn today, the dinner I cooked was nothing special, there are crumbs underneath the table from yesterday I still haven't cleaned, my bed is not made, I'm annoyed my newborn has to be held 24/7 to avoid crying all day long, I watched too many shows, I forgot to read my scriptures, I still have lots of baby weight to loose, etc.
So lately I have vowed to myself to really consider each and every day what is important to me in my life at this moment in time. I know part of it is just the way I am -my personality- and lots of the things I mentioned probably won't go away but I'm going to try and make a conscious effort to give myself a break. Let things go sometimes. Chill out. Of course I still want to be clean, and organized, etc. but I want to have more fun, be more fun, and really enjoy each of these steps in my journey here. I want to really live that quote on my sidebar from Pres. Hinckley: "In all of living have much fun and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
So don't be surprised if there are toys all over my floor because I've spent the day playing with my toddler rather than picking them up and putting them back in the basket a hundred times. Don't be surprised if I have no makeup on, my hairs not done, I'm still in my pajamas, and have not left the house all day because I've had my baby in my arms the entire day (my life this week). There will probably come a time later in life when all of those things will be perfect. I will have worked out, showered, dressed, cleaned everything perfectly, and cooked a gourmet delectable meal but it's at that point that I'll really realize how little all of those things mattered and I'll miss just what it is that I'm doing right now.
I know we all struggle but lots of times all you really see of others is what's on the outside. The outside where everything looks totally together and perfect. The perfect marriage, perfect children, perfect finances, perfect life. And most often, others too have their own struggles but of course that's not what we see but that is however and unfortunately what we often times judge or compare ourselves too. Our worst to someone else's best.
So from here on out I am still going to try and strive to become better and improve myself each day and clean and work out and cook new yummy meals and do crafts and decorate and fulfill my calling and please my man and play with my kiddos and look cute and grow in the gospel and learn new things and do all it is that I should do and want to do and need to do but if for whatever reason I don't - I'm realizing that that is okay too.
and at the end of the day aren't all struggles worth it when you have little angels like these to spend forever with?
And now that I'm done crying (I'd like to think it's due to these lovely -just gave birth a few weeks ago- hormones) these two lovely ladies posts made me feel much better about myself. They each boosted my mood in their own way!
Inspiring poems that seemed like they were meant for me right now...
And stories of other woman all facing their own types of challenges as well...
16 comments:
AMEN! I wish I could word how I feel so perfectly :) but you did it for me! I have decided I don't need a "calling" right now. I haven't done my hair or make up for 3 days in a row now, and when was the last time I swept up the crumbs...um... probably also 3 days ago. I look at my house and it looks like a tornado swept through it. I feel so alone most days, and my kids watch too much T.V. I don't recall the last time I read my scriptures....and shall I go on? Tonight we had tortillas, cheese and beans for dinner. OK- I'll spare you the rest of my "imperfection" but it is also a hard thing for me to deal with-since I always had things "so together so much of my life". I really enjoyed this post and would love to copy and paste it into my own blog (hee hee) since you described how I feel. I think you are doing a marvelous job- adjusting to having two little ones. It is a big adjustment...and if you ask me you always look amazing too :) p.s. what baby weight? you look great!
you said everything perfectly. i think that is every mother's life in a nutshell. i think you are an amazing mother!
Erica, you are amazing. Do you know how many people compare themself to "your perfect?" I know I do.
I used to have a perfectly clean house. I was a great girl friend but I fall short in the wife category.
I relate so well with what you said. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your post and all of your words. As you can tell you're not alone with these kind of feelings. You were so rigtht when you sayed that we often times think that how other people or friends of ours are perfect. I always think that other moms are doing so much better than i'm. The hardest thing for me is not to clean and made the house nice. I love cleaning and can't stand it if my house is not clean enough for me. Being a mom and a wife and a houskeeper is hard... Being good enough in everything- but as you sayed Heavenly Father loves us and He knows how we feel.
You're an amazing mom and you always look great!
You put that into words that I think apply to most women. We always expect more of ourselves than I think we need to. At the same time you need to remember that as your baby grows showers will be able to be reintroduced into your life and you will feel "normal" again. It takes time with each child to readjust your life. I know you are doing wonderfully even though some days you don't feel like it :)
Unfortunately none of us are perfect! It's a bummer because it sure would be nice sometimes (or all of the time)! I just want you to know that every time I read your blog I'm amazed at you! You do so much, are so creative, and always look fabulous while doing it! I know some days are definitely harder then others but it's amazing how all of the "other things" don't seem to matter when you have your family all together and just enjoy being together!
Loved your post!! It's so true that everyone feels that they fall short in so many areas, and we all know that others fall short too in their own way. But like you said, it's hard to admit that so openly, and be willing to talk about it with others (although that would probably help us all feel a little better now and again)! I think you are doing wonderfully, and I'm sure your kids and husband do too. Keep up the great work!
Wow! that was a great post. thought provoking to say the least.
Best of luck in whatever you do.
Okay I LOVE that last picture. And just remember...if you were perfect, you wouldn't be here OR need Him. You are amazing, but don't let little setbacks ruin your day and your mood. Without "opposition" you can't grow!
I love your post! I think we can all be proud to leave the crumbs under our tables for a while and *enjoy* not being perfect! It's hard though...maybe we just need to get away every once in a while :)!!! BTW, I think you are unperfectly amazing and I've secretly looked up to you and admired you in so many ways!!!!
Why don't you try a baby wrap for Addison? We use one and they love it. But I guess it may feel like you're pregnant again. It takes me about 2 months to feel okay wearing one because it takes me that long to recover from having a baby (ligaments and all). But that may help with the holding baby problem.
And I always remind myself that my house should look like kids live here. Makes me feel better at least.
You're doing great.
What a good reminder--I think often it's easy to get caught up in everything we "should" be doing and forget about the things that we really MUST be doing. Like mothering, which often entails just basic survival--who knew how time-consuming it was to prepare 3 meals and 2 snacks everyday, while nursing a baby and keeping everyone reasonably clean? It's a full day in itself.
AMEN!
Oh, Erica - this blog entry is so wonderful and I am so grateful for it. This, along with our conversation - the four of us - at the end of our long drive after TOFW, it really is the very essence of what I am struggling so much with. For a few moments, reading this blog or thinking about that awesome conversation, I don't feel so alone and tired and overwhelmed because I know others feel it too. Thank you for your wise and honest words; thank you for lifting others. Love, Julie
Oh, Erica - this blog entry is so wonderful and I am so grateful for it. This, along with our conversation - the four of us - at the end of our long drive after TOFW, it really is the very essence of what I am struggling so much with. For a few moments, reading this blog or thinking about that awesome conversation, I don't feel so alone and tired and overwhelmed because I know others feel it too. Thank you for your wise and honest words; thank you for lifting others. Love, Julie
Oh, Erica - this blog entry is so wonderful and I am so grateful for it. This, along with our conversation - the four of us - at the end of our long drive after TOFW, it really is the very essence of what I am struggling so much with. For a few moments, reading this blog or thinking about that awesome conversation, I don't feel so alone and tired and overwhelmed because I know others feel it too. Thank you for your wise and honest words; thank you for lifting others. Love, Julie
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