the big breakiup

It's been 6 weeks since my BIG breakup. No, my relationships with my hubby and children are perfect. The issues I was having was not with SOMEONE, it was with SOMETHING - THE SCALE. And so, we broke up.

One Sunday night at the beginning on April I had a complete and utter breakdown. As I sat in the kitchen crying to Justin about how mad and angry and guilty I was feeling at myself for eating too much bad stuff that night I asked him to help me find a solution to what I was realizing was a BIG problem. The answer he came up with - "I'm taking the scale away". I thought okay...sounds good...but for how long? And he said - "indefinitely". He said I don't need it back. And I'm actually beginning to think he's right. I knew I had an obsession and was forming a very unheathly relationship with the scale, especially after reading this scale test on Trainer Momma and answering "B" to EVERY SINGLE question but I really didn't know how to dig myself out of the hole I was in, or even realize that I needed to.

It took a breakdown that night, talking to friends and my doctor, and lots of reading to realize that what I'd been going through for a couple months now was actually what you could call an eating disorder.

It all began a little over a year ago. In January of 2010 I had lost all my baby weight. It took me exactly 9 months to lose it. I did it healthily by following Weight Watchers and running 15-20 miles a week. I did this same thing before to lose the weight after I had Brooklyn and it took me 9 months as well. After I lost it with Brooklyn I maintained for a few months and then got pregnant again with Addison. What was different this time around? We weren't getting pregnant again - and we weren't even trying or wanting to think about it yet. So I thought - why not keep trying to lose weight?

So that's what I did. I lost another 7 lbs. and was now 120 - what is considered healthy and normal for my short height. I liked it but it was hard for me to maintain - only because it started what became a vicious cycle for me. All during the week I'd eat extrememly healthy and limit/restrict myself from all 'bad' food, eat lightly, and run alot. The problem? By the time the weekend rolled around I was feeling SO deprived that I would eat one thing I labeled as 'bad', feel guilty and extremely mad at myself, and then continue to blow it and go crazy and 'binge'. I'd eat all the things I had been wanting and not giving myself all week. So that cycle continued, gain 5 lbs. over the weekend from eating bad, be so mad, restrict myself and lose 5 lbs. during the week, etc. It continued OVER and OVER and OVER again for about 5 months. I would be SO MAD at myself for weighing anything above that lowest number I'd seen on the scale. I didn't think it was alright to ever be above that stupid number. It determind my mood, my attitude, my behavior, and ultimatley my happiness and how I felt about myself. So I would obsess and obsess and never stop thinking about how to get that number low again. It completely consumed my thoughts ALL the TIME. I knew the calories/fat/etc. in EVERY SINGLE thing that went in my mouth, I measured out everything, I ALWAYS looked up the nutrition facts before ever going out to eat. It was beginning to control me and I didn't like that or want that - but didn't know how to stop it.

So...wow I really laid it all out there for everyone to read. It's personal and raw and a real struggle and trial I've been dealing with - and still am. I am so thankful for this marathon I'll be running this weekend and all the training I've been doing because it has REALLY brought these issues and behaviors in myself that needed to change to the forefront - it has helped me realize that these are real things that I NEEDED to deal with NOW befor it got any worse.

So has taking the scale away solved everything??? It has helped and I feel like I'm on the road to getting there. I now am trying to relearn how to listen to my body. To feed it when it's hungry and to stop feeding it when it's content. I've been trying to let me myself have those indulgences some of the time and eat healthy all the other times rather than restricting them ALL THE TIME. I've been trying to judge how my body looks and feels based on my clothes, listening to my body, eathing healthy, my habits, etc. rather than a number on the scale. Do I still struggle? Sure. Do I still think about it way more than I want? Sure. But it's getting better and that's all that I can ask. Hopefully it will continue getting better from here on out.

Most importantly I'm trying to learn that my self worth isn't determined by the size 2 pair of capris I have or the cookie I was able to say no to or the lower and lower number on the scale. Those things don't matter and shouldn't matter. In a world, especially and sadly sometimes within the church, we're all trying to be better and ultimately one day reach perfection. I guess maybe I've never felt 'perfect' at any one thing and this was my one niche that I was really good at -eating healthy and working out. It gave me confidence and satisfaction and was something I was completely in control of. But I'm trying to learn that I don't have to be perfect. I'm never going to be in this life. And if I am going to be really good at something I want it to be something that really matters - like being an amazing mother to my children, or the most caring wife, etc.

So what now? Do I plan on comsuming tons of fast food and loads of sweets and gaining 20 lbs? No - but I eat healthy and exercise now to be healthy - not to try and see a number on the scale. I do weigh in at Weight Watchers once a month to keep my lifetime membership and to have that once a month check-in but I honestly don't even really want to keep doing that. I know how I feel and around how much I weigh and that really is enough. I'm just trying to get back to 'normal' and day by day I think I'm getting there.

Hopefully after this marathon my beloved period will make a reappearance after it's 6 month hiatus do to so much running and maybe if our prayers are answered another baby will soon be in the works. No matter what - I know that I have a family, friends, and a Heavenly Father that love me unconditionally and always will and that the point of being on this earth is to LEARN and BE HAPPY. And that's just what I'm trying to do.