Okay - here goes everybody - I want everyone who checks my blog to leave a comment!
How do you know when to have baby #2 ?!?
When we decided to start trying for Brooklyn it had been a long awaited time. I had wanted a baby for awhile and we knew exactly when we wanted to have a baby and were very eager! Now that Brooklyn is over one years old trying for #2 is on our minds. Justin's mind is made up and now would be good :) But I just can't determine how I am feeling about it all.
Sometimes I feel like, "Yeah, I could totally handle another one." when Brooklyn is laughing and sleeping and being such a good girl I want a million of her. And then there are those frustrating cranky days where I feel like, "How do people have more than one?" So just how do you know when the time is right...
We know we want a few more kids but how do you know how far apart to space them? I know that each family has different circumstances but how am I supposed to know what is right for our family? I've never had more than one kid so I don't know what it's like, or what to expect, or how close or far apart I want them.
Sometimes I just don't feel ready. But when will I? Can you ever really feel fully ready or prepared? I don't want to wait and wait until I really am baby hungry and then end up having to wait 9 or more months until it happens.
My mom tells me she heard the ideal is 3 years - others love 2 years...how about somewhere inbetween there? We are obviously not having them closer than 2 years and I don't want more than 3 years but can a couple of months really make a difference?
In the end I know it's the big man upstairs that will help us (or just me) feel confident, and at peace, and ready to have another one whenever that time shall come.
But along with that process I want to hear from you...how far apart are your kids? What are the best and worst parts about the age gap? How did you know you were ready for another?
I am thanking you in advance for your input :) I know I will greatly appreciate hearing how others feel and what worked for them!
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In all living have much fun and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.
- Gordon B. Hinckley
- Gordon B. Hinckley
35 comments:
Noa and Isca are 2 yrs. and 5 mo. apart. I was just getting used to the idea of having one when we found out were going to have another! I was wanting them to be 3 yrs. apart but somebody had other plans! I think that no matter how old your kid is adding number two is hard. Having them both in diapers isn't bad, you're already used to dealing with them so what's a few more?! The hardest thing for me has been the lack of sleep. Isca does much better now but the first few months were BAD! You can't "sleep when they sleep" with number two because number one needs you! Whatever happens...it will be the best thing and the hardest thing! Good luck!
our kids are 2 years and 4 months apart. we wanted them to be closer--2 years, but it just didn't work out that way.
I really liked having them far enough apart that I only had 2 in diapers for a month, and Abigail was in a big girl bed, and generally pretty predictable. I wouldn't want to have them any further apart because I don't want to get TOO out of the baby-habit...having it be a huge adjustment to have a baby again. And I want the older child to still be napping well and predictably. So for me, 2 years is right on target.
OK Erica- I believe that they get cute and good so we will have more :) Our boys are 25 months apart. I have friends who have them much closer than that. I don't think I could handle that...but I do want more kids. I think you need to consider -your age- (I'm much older than most young mommies so I don't have as much time) and consider your tolerance level, and pray pray pray! That is how we knew it was time for #2...but I will tell you this: two kids is a handful-I miss the days when I had one and had lots of spare time-to do what I liked to do- I love my boys- but somedays are very hard. We had 2 in diapers for about 6 months. So I would just say- to pray, think about your tolerance levels, and if you are young- and I think you are- you have time-also look at your genetics- I have grandmas who had kids later in life and did just fine. Good luck- you are a cute mommy and you will have more cute little ones too :) You will know "when"
Ha Ha!!!! You know my feelings on the topic. :) Whatever you decide will be best for your family. There are advantages and disadvantages to every situation. Mine are almost 4 years apart and a little over 5 years apart.
Oh, there are so many things I could comment about your post. I don't think you'll ever fully be ready to have more than one child, just like it was probably the case with your first. Madison and Hyrum are 2 years apart. We thought it was a good age because Madison was a little more independent and we felt that she would understand what was going on at that time. Now, the down side to that was that I was potty training all throughout my pregnancy and then through the newborn stage of Hyrum's life. But other than that it has been so great. Madison is very nurturing, and its sweet to see her taking care of her younger brother. Yes, there are times, a lot lately actually, where I feel I cannot ever handle having more than I have right now. But I think that is the case with a lot of things in life. Hyrum (who is turning one in a few weeks has finally learned how to push the right buttons to tick Madison. And so it starts... So my advice in all of this is that the Man upstairs knows what is best for you guys. And you will find out as well. Brooklyn will be such a good big sister! And you are already a wonderful Mom!
It really comes down to what does Heavenly Father want for you and being open to that. I never would have planned it in a million years that I would have a 8 year gap and then 3 that are 18 monthes apart it wasn't MY ideal but it was what Heavenly Father intended for us adn I am so glad that he did!
I'll comment since you asked and since i think i have the closest kids so far on here. Luke and jacob are only 15.5 mos apart and it was fine actually. It was a little hard to keep up with Luke who didn't listen to directions when I was pregnant but now it's great. They are playing in thir bedroom right now together. We wanted our kids close together because it's really not too hard and we think they'll be better friends if they're close in age. I have both in diapers still and it's not that bad. Just change when they stink and if they're really wet. That's my philosophy and it works for us. So I only change maybe 6 diapers a day. Not too bad. Good luck. And I always say, you've got 9 months to get ready.
oh, and another comment. when jacob was little, i forced him to stay up so that he would sleep when luke slept. they take naps at the same time now and have for a long time. that really pays off and makes it much easier. it also helps that i have kids that seem to sleep more than most.
Since I only have one child so far, I don't know how helpful my thoughts would be, but I think you just start feeling more confident as a mother of a toddler, and that leads into feeling confident as the mother of 2 or more, as they come. I was never baby hungry before Leah was born, but now, knowing what a sweet little newborn is all about, I have moments of baby hunger, and that tells me that I'm getting there... not there yet... but getting there!
We always thought that we would try to get pregnant again when Bree was 18 months old so that they would be a little more than 2 years apart. But I feel they same way...on good days I think I could have a million kids, but on other days I think I can barely keep it together with just one! Our goal now is to get Aubrey walking before I get pregnany again (which will put our plans off by quite a bit...but heavenly father always has other plans!)
Anyway...the only bit of wisdon I feel about this topic is that having a baby, no matter when or how many, is always a leap of faith. Always! So be prayerful:)
Hi Erica!
Yes I still read your blog pretty frequently. Having just had my second child I am in a good place to answer this and a bad place all at once. The baby stuff is fresh, but I do not know the challenges to come. That said. Sam and Nate are 20 months apart. I am very happy with that spacing for several reasons. Sam is still too young to really be "jealous". He wants to be included (ie sit on my lap when I am nursing), but he loves his brother. You ask him where his brother is and he goes and finds him, points him out to strangers, and usually a kiss is soon to follow. He will never know what it was like to not have a sibing. I love that they will be so close in age and really grow up together. I am spaced much further from my sibs (3.5 years and 7.5 years) and I don't feel like they are my sibs because we have never been in the same life phase. I love that my boys will be 3 and 4 together and 12 and 13 (as there are a few months of the year they will be only "1" year apart). Then they will go to college around the same time, find love, get married, have kids, etc.
The draw backs. It has been busy. Sam knows to be gentle when he touches Nate; he does not know to be gentle when his body is close to Nate's (for example he is getting off the couch or rolling on the floor). He is just too young to expect him to keep these things in mind. If I did not have a great husband who is a great father and really involved with taking care of the older one it would be more challenging. Scott takes care of Sam's basic needs, I take care of Nate's. As a full time mom and Justin working you won't have that, its all on you. So I cannot comment on how that would be. Going out is pretty challenging. Grocery shopping also challenging. You cannot put 2 kids in a grocery cart easily, especially when one is in an infant carseat. So I think there are some challenges especially in the early years, but long term, I am sure this is the best thing for our family.
I think it is important that the older child is sleeping through the night though. Sam is and I cannot imagine having to get up with both of them. We know when Sam goes down around 8 pm he is down. Then it is all about Nate and Scott can hold him for a while.
How do you know you are ready? You don't and really you never are. I know even though you were ready and anxious to have Brooklyn, she has changed your life in ways you could have never predicted. A new baby will do the same. I knew we wanted more. It had taken a long time to conceive Sam (plus I had a miscarriage between them) and so I kinda just threw caution to the wind. Scott says Nate was unplanned...well maybe unplanned by Scott. I knew we were both OK with having another and so we went for it.
Oh and you could have them almost exactly 2 years apart if you got at it say tonight!!!
One thing to consider is your pregnancies. I don't know how things went with Brooklyn, but we decided Carolyn had to be old enough to take care of herself a bit before I got pregnant again. Now that I am pregnant I think how much easier it would be to nurse instead of cooking meals for Carolyn that make me puke, but I think that is a grass is greener thing. It's been nice Carolyn can watch a movie while I am in the bathroom. Also since she is a little older and plays with friends, some wonderful people would take Carolyn for a couple of hours when it was too much. If we have any control over it, baby #3 will be further apart than these two are. But with all that said, I am very excited for our second child to come--even knowing how hard it has been and will be.
Well- all the comments were fun to read to me. I'm sure you know that I'm pregnant with our second one. Bence and the new baby will be 2 years and 7 months apart. So Bence will be more then 2,5 years old.
The first thing that you should know it's what a couple of mom already told you. You won't feel fully and perfectly ready for the next child. I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and I'm so excited and sometimes i fell that I'm ready. but when I stop and think a little bit more I feel that I have no idea how I'm going to do this:) Bence is a good kid. So I'm sure our next one will be a little bit different:) But still... I think when you have more then one you can do what you need to do. At least that is what I'm hoping for:) What the good time is... I don't know. We'll try to have our kids about 2 years apart.
For one more comment... With Bence we had to wait until he stopped nursing. Specially because during that time he woke up during the night about 4-5 times. He still wakes up once but that is better for sure:)
Good luck to decide!
We've been thinking about this, too, not that we're going to try again too soon, but it's really never too early to think about it, is it? Anyway, take my thoughts for what they're worth since I haven't been there yet! I figure, and reading the posts has helped me decide this, it's never "easy" and never "the perfect time". One friend said having two boys close was really hard at first but now it's great because they entertain themselves. I also figure that the further apart I have the kids, the longer I'm going to have kids at home which is good and bad. One family in our ward has two kids, one daughter who just graduated and a son who is about 2. They're going to be full time parents for almost 40 years!!!!
I think it is so neat that you posted about this! Such a fun topic to discuss. But of course so many different things come into play when discussing this topic. I will say that having children is such an important thing, and we will recieve a lot of help from Heavenly Father when we are trying our best to carry out this commandment. It is never going to be easy, ever.... no matter how many months/years are in between. I know for me,when deciding to have our second, it was kind of a similar thing in that G was pretty set and so we set a time when we thought we would start trying.... but during that time, I really was praying a lot and making sure we weren't being stupid, and that we could handle it financially, emotionally, etc. I remember my answer, and that is... every excuse that I could think of not to get pregnant again, at that time, was selfish. and so, I knew that this was a test of Faith, to put my selfish desires aside in order to make it possible for a sweet baby to come have a chance here. At the time, all of my concerns were about not wanting to go through the discomforts of pregnancy (like getting fat etc.) even though my body handled everything fine. So, I decided that wasn't a good enough reason! Of course this is all me! I just thought I would share my experience... Good luck with this decision... By the way, I think it is amazing that you felt so sure and good about when to have the first one! I went through this kinda thing with both. I think that alone has gotta make this decision feel so much harder, because it doesn't feel as set as the first one!
Wow so many great comments. Tyson and our baby boy will be 2 years and 1 month apart if he comes close to his due date. In one of my millions of parenting classes (Early Childhood Education graduate- you know what I'm talking about) they said the ideal time for the health of the mom from birth to the next conception is 18-24 months. We started trying around 16 or 17 months and were blessed to get pregnant on the first try so that's the way the Lord works. I didn't expect to get pregnant that quickly again. We had prayed a lot about it and felt the timing was right. Now I have days I completely freak out thinking I'm crazy to be on my way to having baby #2, but most days we're really excited and can't wait for Tyson to be a big brother.
I also love that you posted this!! I've been thinking so much about this lately too. I'm getting very baby hungry lately. I don't really have a whole lot to add since everyone posted such great comments. They were quite fun to read...especially because I'm going through the same exact situation. Plus I'm sure you already know how I feel since we talk often! You had a great pregnancy the first time and even though people have said they can be totally different...if they are the same you probably won't have to worry about being sick while taking care of Brooklyn. Plus Brooklyn seems like a pretty great kid. She'll be a great big sister. (I do worry about Kate, however!! She's a wild child. That's one thing holding me off for a little while longer!) I, personally, think you guys should start trying pretty soon!! Of course, this time we won't be going through the same things at the same time!! But since we're not neighbors anymore I guess it won't matter! Good luck with your decision!
For me, having more than one kid around at a time is actually easier. When our neighbor brings her 1 1/2 yr old over, I love it. I feel like I don't accomplish as much with just Evie. I spend a lot of time just sitting and watching her to make sure she doesn't hurt herself. When another kid is around, I feel like we can play together and Evie gets much needed interaction with older children. I was also a nanny for two families, one with 2 boys and one with 3 boys. So, I am pretty accustomed to having more than one kid around at a time.
That said, I originally wanted our kids 2 years apart, but with all the problems I had after Evie was born, we are now thinking at least 3 years apart would be better. I wouldn't suggest waiting longer than 4 years, since both Dave and I have a sibling that is 5 years apart (Dave's is older, mine is younger) and neither one of us got along with that sibling. Not until we were in our 20s, at least.
I say take all this amazing advice that everyone has posted, make a decision, and then pray about it :)
Two years is good. If there are too many years in between, the kids will develop too independently and won't be as close in their relationship as they could have been. At two years, the older child is still young enough to adjust more easily to the new addition and still doesn't have that sense of entitlement. If one kid is 3, and the other is new, teaching the older child to share is much more difficult because the whole house and everything in it has been all for the older child for much too long.
Just look at Just and his brothers...they were all close enough to relate, play, and help each other out without feeling alienated from anyone else.
We think two years in age difference is ideal, at least for the first two kids, but we'll take 15 months!
Obviously, everybody has different ideas on how far apart to space their children. My siblings and I are really closely spaced and it worked really well for us as children. We played together a lot. Although we enjoyed it, I know my mom had her moments of wondering what she was thinking, but the hard times do pass.
seriously amen to what everyone else has said. you somehow stumble across what you are supposed to do. avery and ethan are 25 months apart, next time i want to try a 3 year gap just to see what that's like, but really, who knows? pray, leave it with heavenly father, he does know what is best...you'll do great. i know it!
My friend said that her youngest was the BEST gift she could hve given to her oldest. And like Kristin said, I hear it's easier with more b/c then they play together - and how cute is that to see your kids become good friends?! But I freak out still just thinking about getting pregnant again - late nights, finances, stress, etc. But really, I like Adrienne's attitude about the whole thing, where it's not big deal, and you just do it. You rise to the occassion. I remember FREAKING OUT when I was pregnant with Thacker but everything worked out just fine. After some adjustment, Erica, you'll realize you were more prepared for two kids than you ever thought you were.
Most people thought I was crazy when I got pregnant the second time. But both Joe and I felt we should have a baby. They would have been 15.5 months apart if I had gone to term. I thought that was fine. My brother and I are 14 months to the day and it was fun always having someone to play with. Scott was still born at 23 weeks so they are 11.5 months apart but as you know Scott isn't with us. I knew I wanted to get pregnant again. Not that I was emotionally ready, just that I knew that was supposed to do.
I often think about how it would be if Scott was in our home. Hayden is so into babies right now and I know it would have been just fine at 15.5 months. Hayden and our new baby will be just a few weeks short of 2 years apart. I am glad they will still be close.
I want my kids close I don't want one child in kindergarten and another in college. But most importantly like I said before I felt very strongly it was time to have a baby with all three of my pregnancies.
BTW I had a dream about you and Brooklynn last night.
Good luck trying to figure that out!
Due to money, I always have to wait longer than I want to...Our kids are almost exactly 2 1/2 years apart. And the next will probably be so too. But with Leah and with Jackson, I start getting baby hungry when the current kid started to walk. Seriously.
It is so different with everyone. For me, I just feel that someone is "waiting for me to get my act together". My sister has 3 kids, 3 years and younger...and while that wouldn't be MY thing, it works for her. And my sister-in-law has them about 4 years apart and that works for her. I think, thru the promptings you're getting, that you'll feel that it is time. And as for feeling that you couldn't handle more, you are much stronger and much more capable than what you think!
Wow! How can I possibly follow up after all the words of wisdom you've already gotten. I'll try though...
So, Ezra and Georgia are 19 months apart and I'm pregnant w/my third who will be 17.5 months younger than Georgia. Ezra and Georgia we planned that way. This last pregnancy was a suprise (we were originally planning on TTC early this fall). We just always knew we wanted our kids close together (2.5 years or less...preferably less). There's a couple of different reasons. There's the entertainment factor. As Georgia has gotten older, she and Ezra have become great playmates. I absolutely love it when they entertain each other. I love the fact that they won't remember a time when the other one wasn't there. Ezra was too young when Georgia was born to be real jealous. It was like-one day Georgia came to live with us and that was that. He was young enough to just go with the flow, ya know. There's also the babymode aspect. I prefer to have my kids close together so I'm still in baby mode. Like Adrienne said-you're already changing one diaper, what's one more? For the record-Ezra has been in diapers Georgia's entire life. It's not super-fun, but it's very doable. I'm just hoping he'll be potty-trained by this next birth. I also LOVE the fact that I'll still be so young when the kids are all out of the house and that I'll be a young grandma too. Also, we're planning on having a fair amount of kids (probably 5 or 6), so we saw no reason to wait.
As for the cons...they definitely exist. I remember feeling when Georgia was first born that I still very much had 2 babies. It was hard in that way. It's hard to go out places when they're both still so time and attention-consuming. There are definitely days when I think I'm crazy, but there are a whole lot of times that I'm very happy w/my lot too.
As for feeling prepared...I don't know if you ever do, ya know. It's always going to be a big life-change, no matter when it happens. I definitely wanted to have Georgia when we had her, but it's been a big thing for me to adjust to the idea of having another little one so soon with this unexpected pregnancy. Once your pregnant and then again when the baby is born, you just kind of rise to the challenge. I'm sure, as scary as it seems to me right now, I'll do it again with this one. Hevenly Father definitely does know best, and he'll strengthen you where you are weak. Good luck w/such a big decision!
Ooo-sorry about the novel. I couldn't help it :P
I would have to agree on the last comment about the jealousy factor. Camille was 2 when we had Maddie and it was really hard for her. She wouldn't hold the baby for over 6 months or even really talk to her, but thankfully she wasn't mean either. It was hard that Camille started going through the "terrible twos" right when I had Maddie or at least having her aggravated the "symptoms". It was as if she was old enough to understnad that something was different, but not quite old enough to cope well.
That being said I still like having my kids close to 2 years apart. One the good side Camille was old enough to entertain herself, I didn't have to carry 2 babies around. Camille was able to bring me diapers and throw them away. So I really like it when they are close to 2 years apart.
Obviously it mostly comes down to when you feel you are ready. For me I just kind of started feeling that desire to have a baby again. I would say if you don't feel that yet than don't worry. It will come. I kind of feel like we almost naturally know when we should have more children. Anyway good luck. Isn't being a mother so fun!
Don't do it!!!! Well, okay, do it but just wait a little bit. I wish Brannon and I would have waited at least 6 more months. So that they would be 2 1/2 years apart. Belize is getting to such a fun age, we are enjoying her talking and learning new things and now we're about to completely re-adjust. Our friends just had a new baby (20 mo. apart) and she says the first is throwing fits, due to jealousy and just the fact that she's 2 and thats what 2 year olds do, I'll let you know in a few months what we think of having two. Honestly, you are the only one who can know what's best for your family, no matter what, enjoy where you are right now!
Ty & the fetus will be 4 1/2 years apart! I've NEVER wished I had them closer together, Ty will be in preschool this fall, which gives me some quality alone time with the next one. (meaning more sleep for me!!!)
Avery and Jeffrey are 18 months apart, and I love it! Avery keeps Jeffrey company and ALWAYS entertains him in the car... which is AWESOME. I agree with everyone. There are ups and downs, but mainly ups. You'll deal with any situation given to you.
Think about how far apart you want them in school though... and school cut offs. That was a MAJOR deciding factor for me. I didn't want my kids to BARELY miss a cutoff... because then I'd be twiddling my thumbs for an extra year in Pre-school. Anyway, good luck!
wow, nice!
I am not a mom BUT all I can say is keep praying and you will know what's right for YOU! Trevor and I are THINKING about having our first and just the THINKING and OVER ANALIZING is already overwhelming to me! I know I want a baby but I don't want to get pregnant and I don't want my baby to grow up. I don't think I am normal... But I think we need to do many things to find out if it's time: resolve ourselves emotionally, financially, and above all, spiritually!
good luck my dear :)
You really just have to do what you want. Everyone will have an opion but when it comes down to it it's your life. I kinda think you'll just know when it's right. Good luck! My number 3 is here on Tuesday and I just can't wait!
I think the bottom line is, just like you said, the Lord is in charge. We have been trying for over 2 years for another baby. We started trying when JC wasn't even a year old because we knew it would take awhile. 2 years later as well as a year of infertility treatments and putting in an application for adoption, we still don't have #2. And I am OK with that, because I trust the Lord has a plan for us. However, whenever I hear someone wondering about when to have a baby I tell them this, if you even so much as wonder if you should, just try and if it is supposed to work out it will. I say that because I was no where near ready to have JC but we felt like we should start trying and I thank the Lord everyday that I listened to that prompting because without it, I wouldn't have JC. He has made the last two years of infertility so much more bearable and I can't imagine life without him.
So, I don't know what everyone else said because that is a lot to read! Kagen and Addi are 2 yrs 7 mo apart. It has been great. They totally entertain each other, although it is more work of course. I have to admit when she was first born, I wondered if life would ever be manageable again. But we got into a groove again pretty quickly. Kagen potty trained soon after she was born, so I haven't really had to deal with double diapers. I think being born closer together might have been a little easier. They would be able to play more and it wouldn't have been such an adjustment for Kagen if he had been younger. Poor guy, I felt so sorry for him in the beginning. He didn't know who this little baby was stealing all the attention. But things have worked out just fine and I'm sure he doesn't even remember when she wasn't around. He loves her so much! Good luck, you'll be a great Mommy of 2!
I hear ya. I don't know what to do either. I want a second one too but there are so many things that are in the way - Jeremy still in school, my current job would make it too difficult to have one at the moment, money is always an issue, etc. All these worries always come into my mind, but I always think that when the time is right it will happen and Heavenly Father knows when that time is. Good luck and try not to stress out too much!
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